Looking back at it, it's honestly quite terrible (though its 126 pages long - I was very determined.). The concept of some guy just appearing in another world and then going on an adventure was one that stuck with me, however. The idea morphed into another project (which I still haven't finished, and which got all the way to 120k words or thereabouts), before coming back home to its desert roots. However, here is where I am stuck. In the first iteration I was playing with, I made it all the way to Chapter Four before I finally called it quits and decided it wasn't working.
This version wasn't really based on Egypt, so much as a desert and then a big, exotic setting that was going to have lots of different scenery and setpieces. I gave up on that one around Ch. 4, after writing myself in a roadblock and then tried again. And again. And again. And no matter what I did, this time I couldn't make it past Ch. 2. I even brought back the Egypt them, though I changed into a Techno-Egypt-Steampunk-Magic remix, which was my base.
Then, today, I re-read what I wrote last month. And its actually not terrible, at least I don't think so and I wonder why the hell I abandoned it so quickly. But I thought I would request feedback. Thus, today, tomorrow and Friday I shall post one of the finished three chapters for this story. Provide feedback if you wish. I hope you enjoy it.
Chapter One
Daniel got slowly to his feet, blinking in the harsh desert
sunlight and wondering how he had gotten there. He tried thinking back, but he
drew a blank. He couldn't remember where he was from, how he had gotten here or
much of anything else for that matter. He took stock, struggling to remember.
"I am Daniel Stevenson," he said slowly, hoping
that it might trigger something. "I am seventeen years old." Nothing.
He was still drawing a blank. He looked around. He was standing on a relatively
flat stretch of stone, mixed with dry, tangled scrub here and there. The sky
was a washed out cloudless blue, the sun bright and merciless above. He'd only
been here a few minutes but already sand had gotten into his clothes and hair,
irritating his skin and eyes.
A dead tree stood to his right, a bird glared at him. It was
a curious looking creature, with four eyes, and silvery wings that looked
almost like razor blades. He took a few steps backwards.
"Probably wise," said a voice. "The Krajit is
a nasty predator. That's a small one though. It might maim you if you get too
close - they're quite territorial. It's the larger ones that develop the taste
for human flesh. I don't think we need it around while we talk."
Daniel spun around. A man stood before him, dressed in a
plain dun-colored robe and carrying a long wooden staff. He was neither old nor
young, with close-cropped black hair and stormy gray eyes. He tapped his staff
on the ground. The bird ruffled its feathers and flew off, disappearing into
the sky.
"Wha...? Who are you?"
"Hmm? I am but a humble servant of the Light. You may
call me Amar. Yes, that will do, I think. But who are you? That is the far more
interesting question."
"My name is Daniel Stevenson," he stammered.
"I'm seventeen. That's all I remember. Where are we? What is this
place?"
"We appear to be in the middle of the desert,"
Amar said. "Though I suppose if you want specifics, then we're in the
ancient realm of Traok."
"The Battlefield?" Daniel asked, then blinked.
"Wait - how did I know that?"
"You speak the language of course. That wonderful
pendent around your neck gives you that ability."
Daniel glanced down,
realizing for the first time that he did, in fact, have a pendent around his
neck, a very plain amulet of what looked to be beaten copper, carved into a
strange device. He reached up, around his neck and discovered that it was fused
to his skin. Amar was watching him.
"Mar Koru," he said, translating the rune on his neck. "The Order of Light."
"Yes," Amar agreed. "You're a member now. The
last member in fact. The pendent grants you unique abilities and as you
proceed, you will no doubt uncover more of them."
"As I proceed?"
"On your quest, of course. Traok is a dangerous,
beautiful place and its name is an apt one - this is where the great battle
between the Transcendent Gods takes place."
"The what
Gods?"
"Not important right now." Amar waved his hand.
"Point being that you serve the Light now. You're here and you wouldn't be
here unless there was some great need. You are the only person who can do this
task - whatever it is."
"What is it?" he said. "I mean..."
"That, unfortunately, is hidden from me."
"So you just expect me to wander aimlessly until I find
this...whatever it is I'm supposed to do?"
"Something like that. You'll stumble into it sooner or
later."
"And you can't just give me my memories back."
"I don't have your memories to return. Perhaps you'll
find them questing, or possibly a way back home. You're not from this world
after all."
"I guessed that, funnily enough. And you can't send me
back, I'm guessing?"
"Also beyond my power. You're here now, Lord of Mar
Koru. By the by, I'd keep that pendent hidden. There are an uncomfortable
amount of people who know what that pendent entails and most of them will be
interested in seeing your head on a plate."
"Um, thanks for the advice." He picked up the
pendent and lay it in his hand, studying it for a moment before tucking it
underneath his T-shirt.
"Well, I think there is but one thing left to do here
before I depart. You're several days travel from any sign of civilization and
of course, it wouldn't do to leave you stranded out here. He tapped his staff,
on the ground. The dust swirled around it, forming into a plain gray-white
satchel. He picked it up and handed it to Daniel, who took it bemused.
"You'll find some food in there - enough to get you to
town if you're careful. There's also a bedroll, a canteen full of water, and
some money to get you started."
"You're not coming with me?"
"I have business elsewhere, my dear boy. I came to see
you off on your adventure and so I have. I've but one last thing."
He
lifted his staff and pointed westwards, across the rocks and barren landscape.
"Civilization is that way, three days march as memory
serves. Nothing too memorable - just a simple little village but from there,
you will find things will start to get interesting. Good luck. Be careful of
trusting people, I think we will see each other again. Goodbye!"
"Wait - no!" Daniel stepped forward, just as Amar
vanished entirely. He was completely by himself in the middle of a desert,
holding a satchel filled with limited supplies.
"Great," he kicked a rock. It bounced several feet
away. "Just great. I'm stranded out here in the middle of nowhere, no
memories and a pendent that will make people want to kill me. What am I
supposed to do now?"
But he already knew the answer to that question, he
supposed. His memory wasn't going to return, and he definitely wasn't going to
get himself home just by standing around in the desert. He threw the satchel
over one shoulder, and started to walk in the direction Amar had pointed.
Two hours later, he was sore all over, exhausted, and
panting from the scorching heat. He stopped, finding what feeble shade he could
underneath some rocks and took another swallow of water from the canteen. A
stab of anxiety overtook him - what happened whenever his water run out? He was
in the desert, after all. Water wasn't exactly a common sight.
But there was no help for it. After a while, he forced
himself to keep going, stumbling several more miles as the sun slowly sank
below the horizon. Darkness fell, he settled in for the night, pulling out some
of the rations Amar had provided, which turned out to be flat, tasteless bread
that looked like it had never heard of - nor ever would hear of - an expiration
date. He ate some of it and lay flat on his back, studying the night sky.
It was breathtaking. Two enormous moons dominated the sky -
one a pale green, the other a darker blue. And the stars - millions of them,
filling the sky in great clouds. He thought he could even see the swirling
nebula amidst the stars.
"It's beautiful," he said aloud. "But - so
strange." He knew, studying the sky, that this wasn't what the sky at home
looked like. Different constellations. Too many moons. As he studied the stars,
he heard things, snarling predators. He thought back to what Amar had said
about the Krajit and shivered, wondering what other nasty things waited in the
night.
He slept fitfully, and in the morning felt rather the worse
for wear.
I've got to get out of here, he thought. The
sooner I can find this village or whatever, the better.
He took off again, stumbling through the wilderness. The second
day walking was even worse, whatever sort of life he led before coming out here
walking was clearly not a very large part of it. He was out of breath, his legs
hurt, he was soaked with sweat.
Around midday, he stumbled upon a stream and some actual
greenery amidst all the red and the sand. He eagerly filled his canteen,
drinking thirstily and stayed there for several hours before falling on the
hard ground, staring up at the bright sky. He pulled the pendent out from under
his shirt, studying it.
Mar Koru, he thought. The Order of Light. I
was drafted into some sort of crazy secret society.
The thought was just bizarre. After a short while, he put it
up and continued the march, going for a few more hours before stopping for
another rest and a bite to eat. The sun set, he pulled out the bedroll, crawled
into it and tried to fall asleep. Unfortunately, it was just like the last
night: he heard noises all throughout the desert, nasty unpleasant things.
It happened towards the end of the night, the sun was a pale
promise on the horizon. A thing lunged at him, a shape still hidden in the
darkness. He rolled aside, scrambling out from under the blankets, panicking.
He had no weapons. No means of defense. Nothing to protect himself with.
Another snarl. The creature lunged forward, this time he got
a better look at it - it was a large lizard-like creature, about the size of a
wolf, its back covered in long plated quills, rather like a porcupine. Razor
sharp teeth gleamed out of the darkness. His heart was in his throat - he'd
made it two days and now he was going to die, in a strange world with no
memories.
He backed up.
"Nice...whatever you are. I don't want to hurt you. But
oh man - you want to kill me." He was aware of how stupid he sounded,
standing out here, talking into a predator lizard plainly interested in eating
him. The pendent suddenly flared white-hot against his chest.
He hastily pulled it out, it began to glow with a bronze
colored light, which slowly began to expand into a bubble surrounding him. The
creature growled, lunged, but it couldn't break the shield. It snarled at him,
backed off and vanished into the darkness. The bubble vanished, the pendent
went dark and cold.
Daniel let out a long breath, studying the pendent for a
moment and tucked it underneath his shirt before staring up at the sky.
"That was way too close," he said aloud.
He began walking soon afterwards, thinking vaguely that he
might get some traveling done while it was still cool and comfortable outside.
He stumbled upon another stream, drank and ate some more of the food in the
satchel, noting anxiously that it was starting to run low - maybe half a day's
worth and then it was all gone.
The day wore on, the sun rising higher and higher into the
sky. He took several breaks, hot and tired and aching more than he could ever
remember before.
But he was rewarded. Towards the end of the day, he saw
lights in the distance and the dim outlines of buildings.
That must be the village, he thought. I made it.
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